You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
