that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
