Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
