also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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