in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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