Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize