"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
