I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
