I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
