They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
