omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Quick, to the slutcave!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
