Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
