i love accidental penises.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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