Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
