if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
