My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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