Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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