So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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