somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
