im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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