After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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