God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
