There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
