I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
