wrigley field is MILF paradise
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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