I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
