Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
