smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
