I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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