Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
