I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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