Can i not drive my cunt home
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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