If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
