So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
