my sisters under your porch take her home
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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