better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
