im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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