I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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