We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
