True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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