When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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