Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
