her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
