Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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