so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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