guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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