Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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