There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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