i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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