Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
