Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
