I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize