If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
