Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
