I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
