I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
