I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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