i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
