I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
