Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
