i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She needs sedatives and a leash
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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