dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
