If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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